New Year's Cock Block - Part 1

I'm beginning to see a trend in events when it comes to starting off the new year. And that is that New Year's Eve is a major cock block. Not only is New Year's Eve a big party holiday, but it is also my anniversary with my boyfriend. I worked hard to be sexy for both anniversaries, and for both anniversaries my work has resulted in major failure.

For our first anniversary we planned a trip to Colorado together. A trip with just the two of us? This is going to be sexual! Naturally I started working out a few weeks before the trip to get in shape for the slutty lingerie I had bought for the special occasion. I had also made an appointment to get my downstairs waxed (by downstairs I mean my vagina). I bought a Groupon for a Brazilian wax at a place I had never heard of but was close to home and a steal of a deal. What could wrong, right? I had gotten a wax twice before, but never gone full Brazilian. We were leaving for Colorado on a Saturday, so I made an appointment for Wednesday. When I arrived the aesthetician greeted me and walked me into a dim lit room and told me to take my pants off and get on the table. This would normally turn me on, but in this case I was nervous. I don't have a problem being naked in front of strangers, but ripping hair from my private parts doesn't exactly sound like a walk in the park. She saw how nervous I was and instead of comforting me, she yelled "Oh geez!" and then ranted on about how it really hurts for pregnant women because they are more sensitive "down there". I didn't want to be a pussy about my pussy so I took a deep breath and hopped on the table nude from the waste down. She poured hot wax down there and then ripped off strips of what felt like my flesh. I screamed bloody hell. I had wondered what I ever did to this woman to make her hate me so much. It felt like she ripped my vagina off and replaced it with a ball of fire! And the pain never stopped. After about 10-15 minutes of what felt like an eternity in hell, she told me to "flip over". I had to now get in the doggy style position on the table and scoot my apple bottom down towards her face. Again, something that would normally turn me on, but I knew it was so she could do the same on the other side. Fuck my life... After the sadist was finished she left the room for me to put my clothes back on (because of course she couldn't see me with my clothes on, that would be weird). On my way out she gave me something that looked like a roll-on deodorant stick and told me to use it so I didn't get ingrown hairs. I thought that was her being really nice for $25 plus tax. I was wrong.

When I got home I pulled my pants down to see what was going on down there. It still burned like a biatch. It was red and puffy, and not pretty in the least. I pulled out the roll-on stick from my purse and rubbed it on my kukah (by kukah I mean my vagina). Holy fuck! This shit really burned! My vag now went from feeling like it was on fire to feeling like it had directly shook hands with the devil. Fuck my life! I hopped around my bedroom with my pants around my ankles, holding my crotch with one hand and vigorously waving at it with the other while I cried, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my goddd...". I did that for about three full minutes and then I blacked out. Okay, I didn't really black out, but I could have. The next day I woke up and realized that my kukah was still red and puffy and now covered in blisters! I wanted to die.

Instead of dying I went to the tanning salon. I wasn't going to give up on being sexy for our weekend in Colorado. The girl at the front desk asked if I wanted to go the full 12 minutes or something less since I hadn't tanned in months. I'm Mexican, so I have a natural tan and I don't burn easy. I also had a sexual trip coming up in two days. "Give me the full 12!" I finished my session, looked at my sexy tan self in the mirror and then put my clothes back on and left. Just like the waxing chamber of torture, they keep the tanning rooms very dim so that you get a feeling or relaxation. When I got home I again undressed, to check out my new and improved bod. I couldn't wait to see my new bronze bod! But when I looked in the mirror I instead saw a bright red bod. I was as red as a lobster! Fuck my life! I should have gone with 10 minutes.

I was confident that my skin would brown and my vagine would calm down by the weekend (by vagine I mean my vagina). I was wrong. It was now Saturday night and we were in the hotel room of our sexual weekend and I was still as bright and blistered as ever. I was a monster. The only action that happened in the room that night was a sexy aloe vera rub. In the morning however we did get it on. Bowchickawowow! Sexual time had commenced. I made him close the curtains, keep the lights off, and stay under the covers the entire time as I periodically shouted "Don't look at it! Don't look at my kukah! Don't look at it!!" It was very romantic. I did however let him look at my kukah in the shower because for some reason it looked better in there (by it I mean my vagina).

My skin took about 3 days until the red turned to brown and didn't hurt any more. It took almost a week for my downstairs to fully heal. The healing process included peeling... it was sexual.