Hello world! A world full of normal people I'm sure, or at least more normal than me. I don't know if the title gave it away... but I am one hot mess, let me tell ya. Seriously... let me tell you.
So I figure there is no better way to begin my first blog and prepare you for the future, then by giving you a brief history of my dating life. To know ones dating life is to have full insight on just how close a person is to making it on the Jerry Springer show. Speaking of that old bastard Jerry, I think that my dating life deserves a reality show of its own, but not on E, MTV or Bravo, but a station like LMN or WE TV....something guys will never watch so that I will be safe to roam the streets and still get some action every now and then.
Mmm k. So moving through a quick timeline, let's start from the beginning... There was the guy that I once lived with when I was around 19 years old. We shall call him Ben. (P.S. Being a reality show and all... everyone I talk about in this blog is getting an alias, a nickname if you will. This will allow the option to save face.) I lived with Ben, not because of puppy love or anything ludicrous like that, but because rent was cheaper if we split it between the two of us and one other person. During the days of Ben and my glorious slumber parties, Ben decided he wanted to see other people. Unfortunately I never got the memo. When he broke up with me a few months later but gave me the choice to stay friends and continue to live with him, it caught me a little by surprise when he started redecorating the bedroom we still shared less than a full 24 hours later. He brought in a 5"x7" picture frame with a professional photo of his new girlfriend and placed it on the night stand. Although the new piece of décor really brought something to the room, I moved out later that evening. Ben called me up 8 years later and confessed his undying love for me.
Later down the road there was Aiden. Aiden was a crazy ex-marine. I get that Iraq can change a person, and I honestly feel this is why I stayed with him for so long (that's a much more serious blog for a later to never time for you). I truly loved Aiden with every bit of my heart and soul and whatever other parts of me that Christians are convinced exude love. Aiden however had the stupidest ambitions I have ever heard from a 24 year old male with zero talent other than some great wrist action in beer pong. It was impressive. He went through his different phases: A pro skier, a pro skater, a chef, a movie actor, and then a stay at home dad. My nephew once told me he wanted to be a robot when he grew up. That was much more believable than any of Aiden's goals coming true. He had never skied or skated on anything but those butt ugly Heely shoes. Why those came in adult sizes is still a mystery to me. The only thing he could cook was Ramen Noodles. We didn’t live anywhere near Hollywood and he was a horrible liar anyway. Lastly, Aiden did not have any children. Aiden now lives in another state with a woman who financially supports him.
After Aiden, I went through a series of bad dating clusters. I want to refrain from the word "relationship" because I doubt that Wikipedia would define any of them as such.
There was Charles, who I believe is the most handsome guy I've dated. The problem with super-hot guys is that they know that they are super-hot and as long as they own a mirror or catch their reflection in a building they will never be open to monogamy. I told myself I was okay with this, because I was convinced that I too was a hard core playa fo life. You might not know me, but I too am ridiculously good looking. Okay, I'm at least a 7. Anyway, at one point I was seeing Charles and also a guy named Charlie (in real life their names were only different by one letter). It was all good and dandy until the night I ran into Charles at a night club with another girl, and not just any girl. This was the girl that I had just discovered the night before was the person Charlie was "cheating" on me with. It was in this moment when I developed a hatred for Disneyland's "It's A Small World" ride. What a dumb fucking song. Charles just bought a house and is in a relationship with a girl with huge boobs. Charlie is gay. (Story about Charlie coming soon to a blog near you).
Then there was Frank, the guy who dumped me for a reality show. Frank was amazing on paper, but was a real douche in person. He too was pretty good looking. The problem was that Frank was ridiculously self-absorbed, needing constant reassurance of just how marvelous he was. I should mention that Frank used to weigh around 300 pounds, a real fat ass. Even though he was now socially acceptable he still had insecurities and the mind set of one of those people you see on TLC getting fork-lifted out of their house. He was a real big spender and made me feel like a princess, but a simple thank you was never enough. He needed me to stroke his ego until I would get to the point where I wanted to pull out my check book and write him a check for all of his expenses. There was a period of time when Frank was really getting serious about working out and getting in shape. He told me he was getting ready for the summer and wanted to look good in a swimsuit (yes, definitely something you don’t normally hear out of a mouth from someone without a vagina, but I gave him props nonetheless). Frank later called me to confess that his goal of looking like a 30 plus year old Abercrombie & Fitch model was all a lie. He applied for this new reality show called Love in the Wild and was required to have washboard abs. Did any of you watch that show? It was basically The Bachelor meets Survivor. He said he didn’t want to tell me about the show and jinx his chances of getting on, but since he had just gotten out of his second interview and was given a date for a third, he was pretty positive he was going to get on the show and if that was the case he couldn’t be seeing anyone. He added that he could however see me up until his flight to stardom in L.A. and in the slim chance he didn’t get on the show, then we could continue to see each other. I ended things with him a couple of days later. That's how long it took me to process that Ashton Kutcher wasn’t hiding out in my backyard and I wasn’t being punk’d. Frank never got on the show.
Currently I am dating a guy completely out of my norm. He's not tall and he's not the look I usually go for. He's a really cool person though with really great things going for him and someone who's incredibly genuine and that I've been the most comfortable with in a very long time. But I'm convinced he's insecure. I met him through friends at a birthday get together when I was completely smashed. I was blacked out for most of the night and was told that I date raped his face and allegedly dry humped him in the back seat of my friends car. This was all before I spent the rest of the night puking all over the carpet. What can I say? I try and keep it classy. We've been dating for about 3 months now. I'll let you know how it works out.
