New Year's Cock Block - Part 2

Unlike last year, I didn’t bother to get anything waxed or tanned this go around. My boyfriend had reassured me that I didn’t need to do any of those things, and he loved me just the way I was  (Refer to New Year's Cock Block – Part 1). I’m pretty sure that was just his nice way of saying “Please don’t come around me looking like a lobster with a bad case of syphilis ever again!” Either way, waxing was out of the question and Gillette and I would be friends ‘til the end.

But I did still need to get in shape. I had a hot new dress that had “Let’s get sexual.” written all over it, yet I had a bad case of tamale body. I think the term is self-explanatory, but in case you are not familiar with it, tamale body is a body type one might obtain around the holidays after consuming a dozen or so too many of my mom's tamales. You start looking a little like Sponge Bob, but taller.  I tried a new trendy gym Downtown which was short lived. The moment I stepped foot through the fancy double doors, a gust of wind hit me in the ass and wheezed “Get oOUUT.” This place was equipped with super hot beef cakes, male and female, both who I gave the Joey Tribbiani "How you doin'" nod to during my tour. But it was clear this tamale bod and the hole in my pants were not welcome here. You gotta work out before you go there. 

So I decided to pick up hiking again. It was a great way to get a natural tan and avoid turning into a baboon’s bright red ass again. It wasn't until New Year’s Eve day, that I fell. Never mind the man eating coyote I spotted on the mountain or the mountain top one-legged yoga poses I did for shameless Instrgram selfies. Never mind that I went off the trail, ignoring those silly signs that say "Danger", "Keep Out", "Stay on Trail". It wasn’t until I was on semi-flat ground, close to the bottom that I slid for home base. I'm kind of obsessed with cute little old people, and I got distracted by one of those cutie patooties wearing a neon yellow tank top and jamming out with his Beats by Dre headphones. Then BAM! I was airborne and hit the ground with the full right side of my body, and slid down what was left of the mountain. “Son of bitch!” I was in pain, covered in dirt with new holes in my yoga pants, and Mr. Cutie Pie was clueless while he kept jogging into the sunset and toward the coyote. I should mention that when I saw the coyote earlier I was only afraid for a second. When I noticed that there were a group of people much closer to it than I was, I was relieved that he would eat them first giving me a head start on my getaway. I had scrapes and gashes of skin missing from my ankle up to my butt cheek. I was a hot mess express. I was hideous.

What I was most upset about was that I now had to wear pants on my hot date. How can I be sexual in pants? Mountain - 1, Hot Mess Express - 0.  I hobbled to my car defeated, and drove my homeless looking self home. 

But wait, that's not all folks!As if that wasn't karma enough for my coyote thoughts, in the shower my shower caddy fell on top of me! I’ve had this fucking caddy for 9 months and this is the time it decides to fail me? FML... Of course it fell on top of me along with my Costco size shampoo and conditioner bottles. And of course they all landed right on my leg… the wounded warrior leg. Hard. “Son of a bitch!” I now had a new protruding lump on the side of my knee as big as a tennis ball (in addition to the one on my ankle I got earlier). I cursed the universe once again and after I slipped in the shower, I gave up and got the hell out of there! I threw on a pair of fake leather pants that make swishy sounds when my thighs rub together and headed to le boyfriend’s . Nothing was going to ruin our sexual night dammit! 

I let myself in and crept upstairs to his bedroom where he was sleeping. I like to be creepy that way and the hobble gave it some extra charm. I didn’t want to wake him, so I laid down in bed next to him and started crying. He didn't wake up, so I started crying louder. I accidentally woke him up and when he asked me what was wrong, I cried out the whole story and peeled down my pants to show him the evidence. Despite my disability, he took me to a fancy and romantic French restaurant where my pleather pants were shunned by all. I didn't let it get me down. I was girl with a bum leg and an appetite! 

Instead of a hot steamy aloe vera rub like last year, I got a hot and steamy Neosporin rub that night. It was pretty sexual. I didn't get any action for a week. Our nights went something like this:

“Hey babe, want to do it?!” (By it I mean sex.)

“But what about your bum leg?”

“Oh yeah…”

 It took three and half weeks before I was able to wear dresses again.

New Year's Cock Block - Part 1

I'm beginning to see a trend in events when it comes to starting off the new year. And that is that New Year's Eve is a major cock block. Not only is New Year's Eve a big party holiday, but it is also my anniversary with my boyfriend. I worked hard to be sexy for both anniversaries, and for both anniversaries my work has resulted in major failure.

For our first anniversary we planned a trip to Colorado together. A trip with just the two of us? This is going to be sexual! Naturally I started working out a few weeks before the trip to get in shape for the slutty lingerie I had bought for the special occasion. I had also made an appointment to get my downstairs waxed (by downstairs I mean my vagina). I bought a Groupon for a Brazilian wax at a place I had never heard of but was close to home and a steal of a deal. What could wrong, right? I had gotten a wax twice before, but never gone full Brazilian. We were leaving for Colorado on a Saturday, so I made an appointment for Wednesday. When I arrived the aesthetician greeted me and walked me into a dim lit room and told me to take my pants off and get on the table. This would normally turn me on, but in this case I was nervous. I don't have a problem being naked in front of strangers, but ripping hair from my private parts doesn't exactly sound like a walk in the park. She saw how nervous I was and instead of comforting me, she yelled "Oh geez!" and then ranted on about how it really hurts for pregnant women because they are more sensitive "down there". I didn't want to be a pussy about my pussy so I took a deep breath and hopped on the table nude from the waste down. She poured hot wax down there and then ripped off strips of what felt like my flesh. I screamed bloody hell. I had wondered what I ever did to this woman to make her hate me so much. It felt like she ripped my vagina off and replaced it with a ball of fire! And the pain never stopped. After about 10-15 minutes of what felt like an eternity in hell, she told me to "flip over". I had to now get in the doggy style position on the table and scoot my apple bottom down towards her face. Again, something that would normally turn me on, but I knew it was so she could do the same on the other side. Fuck my life... After the sadist was finished she left the room for me to put my clothes back on (because of course she couldn't see me with my clothes on, that would be weird). On my way out she gave me something that looked like a roll-on deodorant stick and told me to use it so I didn't get ingrown hairs. I thought that was her being really nice for $25 plus tax. I was wrong.

When I got home I pulled my pants down to see what was going on down there. It still burned like a biatch. It was red and puffy, and not pretty in the least. I pulled out the roll-on stick from my purse and rubbed it on my kukah (by kukah I mean my vagina). Holy fuck! This shit really burned! My vag now went from feeling like it was on fire to feeling like it had directly shook hands with the devil. Fuck my life! I hopped around my bedroom with my pants around my ankles, holding my crotch with one hand and vigorously waving at it with the other while I cried, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my goddd...". I did that for about three full minutes and then I blacked out. Okay, I didn't really black out, but I could have. The next day I woke up and realized that my kukah was still red and puffy and now covered in blisters! I wanted to die.

Instead of dying I went to the tanning salon. I wasn't going to give up on being sexy for our weekend in Colorado. The girl at the front desk asked if I wanted to go the full 12 minutes or something less since I hadn't tanned in months. I'm Mexican, so I have a natural tan and I don't burn easy. I also had a sexual trip coming up in two days. "Give me the full 12!" I finished my session, looked at my sexy tan self in the mirror and then put my clothes back on and left. Just like the waxing chamber of torture, they keep the tanning rooms very dim so that you get a feeling or relaxation. When I got home I again undressed, to check out my new and improved bod. I couldn't wait to see my new bronze bod! But when I looked in the mirror I instead saw a bright red bod. I was as red as a lobster! Fuck my life! I should have gone with 10 minutes.

I was confident that my skin would brown and my vagine would calm down by the weekend (by vagine I mean my vagina). I was wrong. It was now Saturday night and we were in the hotel room of our sexual weekend and I was still as bright and blistered as ever. I was a monster. The only action that happened in the room that night was a sexy aloe vera rub. In the morning however we did get it on. Bowchickawowow! Sexual time had commenced. I made him close the curtains, keep the lights off, and stay under the covers the entire time as I periodically shouted "Don't look at it! Don't look at my kukah! Don't look at it!!" It was very romantic. I did however let him look at my kukah in the shower because for some reason it looked better in there (by it I mean my vagina).

My skin took about 3 days until the red turned to brown and didn't hurt any more. It took almost a week for my downstairs to fully heal. The healing process included peeling... it was sexual.